How Tough were the Spartans? An Easy Guide
The SAS and the Navy Seals are well known for being the elite soldiers of the modern military. They are the people who quip cheesy puns whilst bungee jumping off bridges, clad in black onesies, whilst spraying machine-fun fire on some poor unsuspecting saps below. Then, once the mission is complete, they probably puff away on an enormous cigar whilst laughing jovially with their teammates, just like at the end of an episode of the kid’s cartoon GI Joe. Probably.
Truth be told, as you may have gathered from the above poorly researched intro, I know little to nothing about the SAS and the Navy Seals, other than what I learned watching a really bad Charlie Sheen movie. What I do know about though, is the equivalent of the SAS and the Navy Seals in Ancient History, The Spartans.
The Spartans were tough, mean, and nasty. These warriors were undoubtedly the most formidable fighters in all of Ancient Greece. But just how tough were the Spartans, really?
Well, to risk a big spoiler, very tough indeed.
First off, the Spartans weeded out any weakness in their city-state by getting rid of puny babies. And they didn’t achieve this by running a compassionate and ethical adoption service for unwanted bicep-less babies, instead nappy-clad kiddies found with any frailties would be lobbed off the top of Mount Taygetos. Horrible!
Then, should the baby survive to childhood, they were sent off to boarding school for warriors. This school was called the Agogoe, and, from the age of 7, Spartan boys were trained to kill in all their lessons. Yep, no geography, RE, or French for Spartans, just good old fashioned violent murder and death. Spartans wouldn’t get a packed lunch or even a school lunch during their school day. In fact, they would barely be given any food at all; forcing them to steal for their supper. The Spartans didn’t think of stealing as wrong, the stealing was only a problem if the youngster was caught doing it. If that happened, they’d be punished for their dim-wittedness and slow reactions by being flogged with a big wooden stick. All the stick hitting makes for tough Spartans.
Then, rather than written exams, Spartan school children would have to endure a test known as the Cheese Games. Now, you’d be forgiven for thinking that something called the ‘Cheese Games’ might be kind of fun. Something suitable for all the family, perhaps? Maybe like a game show on the telly? One that includes a comical event where contestants hurl amusingly over-sized lumps of cheese at one another? Oh no, my friend. There was nothing family or fun about the Spartan Cheese Games.
Instead, children would have to steal cheese from a stone table whilst muscle-adorned adults tried to lash then with lethally sharp whips. Each whip strike leaves the would-be cheese pilferer covered in cruel cuts and sharp slices. The thing is, rather than get upset about it, the students were so tough they relished the chance of being whipped. It meant they could show off their courage and resilience. Talk about tough, right?
Proof of the value in all that training and resulting toughness came during the legendary Battle of Thermopylae, in which King Leonidas and his bodyguard of 300 Spartans (plus a few thousand other Greeks, but why ruin a good story?) fought to their death against the hundreds and thousands (not candy, that would be ridiculous – I’m talking deadly Persian soldiers here!) of the Persian army.
300 Spartans against thousands of their enemy – no surrender, no retreat, fighting to the last man. Yep, the Spartans were tough alright! By my reckoning very-extremely-super-duper-tough-as-old-boots tough. And that, I think we can all agree, is very tough indeed.
